February is now over. Unlike most people, I take February as a time to reflect not January. My birthday is in February so it just makes sense to me and I was never good with that “new year, new me” mentality. I usually write a little something on my birthday anyway since birthdays are a big marker in my life, more on that in a second. This January everyone seemed to reflect on their last decade since we were entering a new decade. So that’s what I did….in February. Years 20-30. I can do that.
My twenties were eventful to say the least. My early twenties were some of the darkest times I have ever had. My depression was at its highest. So was my self harming and alcohol use. I could not see myself living past the age of 21 because of my lifestyle choices. What a way to start a decade huh? When I thought I only had 2 months left of life the Lord stepped in just two months before I turned 22. It doesn’t get all rainbows and sunshine there. In my early twenties I struggled with living the life that used to own me and living a life for Christ. Those times are a blur to me. So much trying to conform and fit in with what I thought I had be as a Christian. It took me a good three to four years to give all that old crud up. And even longer to stop living like I thought I had to live. In that time I finished college on my own, I did a few victory laps but I got my degree. For the longest time I did not see that as an accomplishment because of how long it took me and the fact that I’m not actually using my degree but hey who is.
I call the ages of 23 to 27 my stangent years. It was after my dad’s death. I kinda shut myself off to the world again. If I was to be honest, I could say that I was depressed during those years. I took myself to counseling every week, sometimes twice a week. I learned so much about myself as a person. It was scary and it was hard but it was worth it. Literally all I did was work and come home. Not much going for me outside of work and counseling. I did meet a family during this time that I clung to and helped me out more than they probably know.
28 and 29 were fun years! I discovered what gave me joy and emplented more of that in my life. I started to travel more. Go to soccer games and concerts. It was really the first time in my life that I was having fun. That I was experiencing true joy. Birthdays became a reminder of this life I didn’t think I would have. I celebrated everything and enjoyed a good party!
Last year I turned thirty and I had ALL the feels about it. Excited. Nervous. Ready. Sad. Giddy. It was complex. I was excited because I knew this was the healthest I have been emotionally. But I was sad because I was still single and working at Starbucks. This has always been a struggle and something hanging in the back of my mind but something about turning thirty made it hurt a little more.
Thirty was an eventful year for me. There were a lot of mundane days but it was filled with big experiences. I stepped out of my comfort zone often. I started an internship. I went to Haiti for a mission trip with a different denomination. I went to Africa for a mission trip with a group that I did not know. I went to conferences by myself. That may not sound like that big of a deal but I am an introvert who doesn’t do well with strangers. Meeting new people freaks me out but I survived and made new friends and relationships with those people. Thirty was nothing like I expected it to be but I’m glad because I never would have thought of experiencing anything that I did.
This past decade was a doozie. Such a rollercoaster. But I’m thankful for it all. My experiences in my early twenties lead me on a journey with Christ and because of that I’m able to have all this life now. I’m excited to see what and where this next decade brings me. I have big hopes and dreams which is a strange thing for me to say because thinking of the future freaks me out but I’m ready with open hands!
My Lagniappe Years 